When I woke up this morning at 6:00 am, I saw my girlfriend as if for the first time. Her beautiful frame is sitting cross-legged on her couch miles away, wearing the flower-explosion-dress she wore last night. She's blushing and smiling, saying only the words, "I feel pursued."

Today, like every day, I went to work. I am thankful to have an internship that gives me good experience, career options, and money. See this ocean blue chair? It's where I learned that not cc'ing the right person on an e-mail can cost thousands of dollars. This is where I learned that your co-workers can be your closest allies or your worst enemies. And it's where an intern in his first week can be thrown into the flames of finance, participating in purchases that accumulate to millions. Imagine two worlds mashed together: the gulch is ruled by supervisor sherrifs and project manager prospectors that duke it out at high noon. The other world is the Spanish Catholic Inquisition, where the upper management lay down their beliefs with force--those cowboys shut up pretty quickly when the real law shows up.

Upon reaching home, my nephew shouted for me to come downstairs. "Bring wipes with you, to clean up the mess!" So I turn off my Xbox 360, grab the wipes, and hurry downstairs. Instead, I find my mother wanting me to pick up dinner at McDonald's. It is my first time going through a drive-thru. I spend over thirty dollars. My sister comes along in my berry-blue Chevrolet, talking about balancing reading comic books, working part-time, and being a mother. By the time I reach the window to pick up my food, I realize that I've grown up without realizing it. I am a working stiff with a car payment and student loans. I buy dinner for the family. While at work, I write myself notes that contain hidden Elliott Smith references. I sent an e-mail to Pretty Mary K last week--she needed to approve a toner purchase. I also create parody songs to reflect the lunch I've brought: "I take a bite of my sandwich, cuz that's the only one I've got (ba na na na)"

(more to come)

 

I am suffering from a day of being a scatterbrain. Case in point:

1. I spent lunch playing Fallout 3, eating a salad, and reading Flannery O'Connor at the same time.
   
   
2. During my two meetings where I normally hear everyone else talk and get their opinions, I kept talking and interacting almost to the point of dominating conversation. Especially the one where I had to critically analyze the Flannery O'Connor short story I had been reading while gaming.
   
   
3. After the meetings, I realized I was incapable of listening to anyone else for a period of more than one minute. My friends roasted me for at least ten minutes, poking fun of how I lecture people, and it was totally wasted on me.
   
   
4. I spent ten minutes deciding which of two equidistant bathrooms I should use. Srsly.
   
   
5. Immediately following, I decided to go for a walk while eating pizza and drinking a soda at the same time. How did I do that? Dan held the soda while I walked, talked, ate, and drank near-simultaneously. Poor guy.
   
   
6. I have been listening to "Never Gonna Give You Up" for the past half-hour. Over and over again. While debating the meaning of my life. I was also pondering calling my girlfriend just to tell her that I love her. And if I told her, would it matter to her amidst all the nightly commotion? For that matter, if she did the same to me, would it sink in for myself? Or would I just go, "Thanks, bye" and go back to my daily routine? (This line of philosophy is a sign that my brain will be back in the morning.)

"I ran. I ran until my muscles burned and my veins pumped battery acid. Then I ran some more." ~ Fight Club

I think today I missed my girlfriend's smile. I looked at it, and I complimented it, but I just missed it. Not because of any other reason except that I forgot to stop thinking and just enjoy it. I didn't enjoy Taco Bell because there were these weirdos who made Dan and myself uncomfortable (or at least me). My father's got this negative aura I picked up where once our minds get set on something, it just keeps looping.

I realize tonight that this has rubbed off on me in a most terrible way. In reality I just want my parents to want each other (ewww). Or at least act the part. My heart's self-education has no real example. Geneva is one to remind me that when the little things are going well, I can get scared of big things and do self-destructive things to compensate.

So right now, I'm just going to chill. Life is strange now, but in a good way. I resolve to shut up: most of my problems come from my inability to admit that sometimes I just get scared.

Oh crap, I'm supposed to be writing an essay now.